I'm just a soldier. [ –Is a deflection, a hollow, defensive answer when Peeta has offered so much without question.
It doesn't sit well. His silence after is tense and heavy. Hesitant. Then: ] Pretty sure I was a weapon already.
[ He has scars he doesn't remember getting, shrapnel and bullet wounds that are there in his earliest memories. In the dark, he remembers tracing their shape with cold metal fingertips. He wasn't whole then, either. ]
They just— [ he thinks of Natalia, of the taser sharp in his side — Do you realize you were just yelling at Mikhail and Andre in English? He shifts, cracking his neck. ] They just got rid of everything else. The distractions.
[ The deflection isn't surprising, and Peeta doesn't bristle at it, just smiles lightly to himself when Bucky finally comes back with a more honest answer. ]
So what do you think is worse? Losing everything, or having it replaced with something new?
[ It's even, as far as he's concerned, though he doesn't say as much just yet. Having everything taken away seems like it'd be simpler — but even if nothing makes sense, at least he still has pieces of himself. It's figuring out which pieces are real that's the problem. ]
Losing everything is easier. [ Exhaled, his voice bitter and briefly breaking. ] That's the point of wiping you.
[ You don't ask a person to do the things he's done and live with them. You don't ask them to stand who they were up against who they are now. You don't ask them to be a person afterward. There are nights he wishes he didn't have to. But some, too, where he just wishes he could tell what's real. ]
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It doesn't sit well. His silence after is tense and heavy. Hesitant. Then: ] Pretty sure I was a weapon already.
[ He has scars he doesn't remember getting, shrapnel and bullet wounds that are there in his earliest memories. In the dark, he remembers tracing their shape with cold metal fingertips. He wasn't whole then, either. ]
They just— [ he thinks of Natalia, of the taser sharp in his side — Do you realize you were just yelling at Mikhail and Andre in English? He shifts, cracking his neck. ] They just got rid of everything else. The distractions.
[ Me. ]
no subject
So what do you think is worse? Losing everything, or having it replaced with something new?
[ It's even, as far as he's concerned, though he doesn't say as much just yet. Having everything taken away seems like it'd be simpler — but even if nothing makes sense, at least he still has pieces of himself. It's figuring out which pieces are real that's the problem. ]
no subject
[ You don't ask a person to do the things he's done and live with them. You don't ask them to stand who they were up against who they are now. You don't ask them to be a person afterward. There are nights he wishes he didn't have to. But some, too, where he just wishes he could tell what's real. ]
There isn't any better.